To Wilson

Today is a somber day. One of my classmates died last night. It was only yesterday he was making jokes in class, laughing out loud, getting in trouble with the teacher. And now he's gone.

I usually make up pen names for my friends so no one tracks them downs and tries to kill them or something, but I can at least use Wilson's name. It's the least I can do.

I wrote this just a few minutes ago. I know it kinda sucks, but deal with it - I feel like I've been torn in half.

My hand is shaking
I can barely write
Please - please don't say it again
Don't reinforce the thought
of him gone
Don't let a new kid take his chair
Please - someone, say something
I can't stand the silence
But perhaps it's fitting
that today we're quiet
But please - I feel like
I'm coming apart
at the seams
It's getting hard to breath
I feel like I'm alone
in the dark
It's a dark happiness,
cause he was too.


Told you.

Wilson, we'll miss you
You could fill up an entire room
You made people laugh
Sure, you could be a slacker in class,
but you always pulled your weight
Everyone knew you
We'll miss you laughter, the fun you brought to the class
We'll miss . . . everything about you.
I pray that you're looking down from heaven, seeing us mourning for you
Probably wishing you were down here, because we're having such a lax day
You don't ned to worry about the damn test anymore
. . . . crap, I totally didn't want to bring up all the unfinished things.
You're playing football for God now.
Tell me if you meet Jackie Robinson up there.


I thought I was going to be unaffected by this, when my friend Chistine told me that a football player had died. I didn't know many fottball players. I was more focused on getting my Physics done. But then she told me it was Wilson, and I totally fell apart.

I have this code - don't show weakness in front of others, don't cry, never let your guard down. But today, I don't give a damn anymore. I can't hold it in. It feels like I'm going to choke on the tears I'm holding back.

I was already sick when I came to school - I ate Bronco's after work last night and it came back to haunt me - but now, . . . I don't even know what to think.

I wish that I could just . . . disapear off the face of the earth, go somewhere where I could let it all out without all these people judging me, or wanting to feel bad for me.

I wish I could go home. I want to mourn in my own room, instead of homeroom. I want to cry in my own bathroom, not a toilet stall. I want to hold my dog close and let his furry self make me feel better, not sit around trying to get my physics done. I want to cuddle my stuffed animals, not hold another crying person.

Over the intercom, they said that they brought in 'extra counselors'. I wanted to jump and throw something. If they want these kids to feel better, let 'em all loose on the field, or the hallway, and let them mourn together. Don't make them go to class, trying to focus on schoolwork when they're mourning over Wilson.

I want to stay here and type all day. I don't want to do my work - I might get tear stains on it. I don't want to be reminded of my weakness when a teacher hands me the paper back, with red ink circleing my tears.

I wasn't going top go to church tonight - parent teacher confrences, and the fact that I just want to chill and stuff - but now, I'm going. I gotta get my youth group pals to pray for Wilson and his family, and pray that I don't break out into tears while I tell them.

All I can think about right now is when Christine told me . . . and I totally lost it. I said, "No! Not him. I knew him. NO!" and then I broke down crying, with my poor friend Blaize sitting there watching me. He was never big on crying girls, and now he was surrounded by them. He gave me a hug when the bell rang and I said that I had to go to class. He got a mite uncomfortable when I didn't want to let go.

I really want to go home. I want to lay in my bed with my headphones on and fall asleep. Forget anything else today. I'm ecstatic that I don't ever have to work Wednesdays, cause I don't think that I would've been able to face everyone after this.

I know this is a really really long post, and some of you may have just turned your computer off, but this stuff needed to be said, and if I didn't get it out now I was going to explode.

Oh God, how I wish I had some yarn right now. My fingers are itchin' to move but I've got nothing but the computer to take it out on. I want the mind-numbing-ness of knitting, the way that for the few minutes you're working on it, you think only of the yarn. Nothing else seems to matter, and it all floats away.

You know, this is probably the worst time to be practically friendless. I have no one to listen to me, no one to hold me as I cry, no one to tell me it's going to be okay, even though I know it won't be. I really wish that Kira and I were still as tight as we were this time last year, so maybe she'd be able to do this. But the only people I hang with are Blaize, who I see for about ten minutes in the morning, Beth, who I hang with in Creative Writing, and Anon, who hangs with me at lunch.

Of all these people, Anon is going to be the most critical about my tears. She's never one for emotion. I pray that today she'll make an exception, and won't mock me for my tears.

I don't want to stop. I don't want to get off of the computer. I don't want to face the real world, or try and make the best of it. I don't want to go on. I want to stay in this chair. Screw the other kids - they have others to listen to their tears. I only have you people, and NO ONE is taking that from me.


Well, I'm going to add something else, but I'm putting on a different post so this one doesn't end up super-duper long.

This is all dedicated to Wilson, who I wish I had gotten to know better.

~Izzy